Self-Destructive

I feel like I've been programed, like I am a human robot. I only go back and fourth between 5 places these days and neither of those places are my mothers grave or my fathers house. I go to work, my sisters, my aunts and church in two different towns. This is my weekly routine, which has been programed into me. Each day of the week is the same thing, never changing much. I have been programed to not think on my own of my mother, my father, my little brother and sister. To not think about our coming birthdays, weddings, graduations and all other important days which parents are usually involved and very proud.

I have been programed to not think of the guy my heart once longed for, my best friend that has passed away two years ago, and every trial I have been through these last few years of my life. When I do speak of these things, I have been programed to say little about them with no heart or feelings involved and change the subject quicker than lightening. My programmer has put a shield around my heart to keep me from feeling emotions I use to feel. I use little of my brain, only what is needed at work or for school. Most of the day it is hardly there with only useless stuff flowing through it. I never think of what is going on around me, what is happening in the real world.

I often speak only a little. Never mentioning my mother, my father, my brothers and sisters, my lost lover, my once best friend unless asked about them. My shielded heart keeps me from thinking about my losses, my trials, my family and the way we once were, my longing to be loved, my need to be loved and my friends I once had. My brain has stored away somewhere all my favorite places, favorite memories, the good times and even the bad. My programmer did not include my past or even thoughts of my future. I live only in the present, day for day. Never thinking of what I use to have, who I use to be, what I want to achieve, only living in the moment and very blankly with no further train of thought.

Tonight is the first day I have realized I have been programmed and the scary part is that I realized I have programmed myself. I have subconsciously turned myself into a machine. I have programmed myself not to go near my mothers grave or my fathers house. I have programmed myself not to even think of my mother or father, my brother or sister. To not think of my lost lover, my best friend, my losses and trials. I have put the shield around my heart. I keep myself from thinking of the past and the future. I keep myself from thinking of what once was and what someday can be. I subconsciously use only little of my brain to keep from thinking the thoughts I know will come if I dig too deep into it. I use only what is on the surface, what is fresh from the day before.

I have come to realize I do this to keep myself save. To keep myself from feeling pain and loneliness. I keep myself from thinking about my mother to keep the tears from coming and the very deep pain that takes over my heart with sadness. I keep myself from thinking too much of my father, brother and sister to keep from sadness and anger, to keep the anxiety away. I keep from thinking of my lost lover to keep my heart from longing for him once again. I keep myself from thinking of my once best friend to keep from crying and to keep from thinking of what I could have said or done before it was too late.

I keep from thinking about our wedding days, having children, graduations, birthdays, and all other special occasions because no days seem like they will be harder to live then those days, the days which are all suppose to be the happiest days of ours lives. How does one get through a day like that? I wonder. I have came to the conclusion that I can not go on living this way. It can not be healthy. It is keeping me from living, keeping me from the life I once had and all the memories that came with it. The trails are hard but I would rather shed the tears and feel the pain then lose the memories and the joy that comes with them.

You see, I have built a robot within me to save myself, but in the end I am being self-destructive.