Self-Destructive

I feel like I've been programed, like I am a human robot. I only go back and fourth between 5 places these days and neither of those places are my mothers grave or my fathers house. I go to work, my sisters, my aunts and church in two different towns. This is my weekly routine, which has been programed into me. Each day of the week is the same thing, never changing much. I have been programed to not think on my own of my mother, my father, my little brother and sister. To not think about our coming birthdays, weddings, graduations and all other important days which parents are usually involved and very proud.

I have been programed to not think of the guy my heart once longed for, my best friend that has passed away two years ago, and every trial I have been through these last few years of my life. When I do speak of these things, I have been programed to say little about them with no heart or feelings involved and change the subject quicker than lightening. My programmer has put a shield around my heart to keep me from feeling emotions I use to feel. I use little of my brain, only what is needed at work or for school. Most of the day it is hardly there with only useless stuff flowing through it. I never think of what is going on around me, what is happening in the real world.

I often speak only a little. Never mentioning my mother, my father, my brothers and sisters, my lost lover, my once best friend unless asked about them. My shielded heart keeps me from thinking about my losses, my trials, my family and the way we once were, my longing to be loved, my need to be loved and my friends I once had. My brain has stored away somewhere all my favorite places, favorite memories, the good times and even the bad. My programmer did not include my past or even thoughts of my future. I live only in the present, day for day. Never thinking of what I use to have, who I use to be, what I want to achieve, only living in the moment and very blankly with no further train of thought.

Tonight is the first day I have realized I have been programmed and the scary part is that I realized I have programmed myself. I have subconsciously turned myself into a machine. I have programmed myself not to go near my mothers grave or my fathers house. I have programmed myself not to even think of my mother or father, my brother or sister. To not think of my lost lover, my best friend, my losses and trials. I have put the shield around my heart. I keep myself from thinking of the past and the future. I keep myself from thinking of what once was and what someday can be. I subconsciously use only little of my brain to keep from thinking the thoughts I know will come if I dig too deep into it. I use only what is on the surface, what is fresh from the day before.

I have come to realize I do this to keep myself save. To keep myself from feeling pain and loneliness. I keep myself from thinking about my mother to keep the tears from coming and the very deep pain that takes over my heart with sadness. I keep myself from thinking too much of my father, brother and sister to keep from sadness and anger, to keep the anxiety away. I keep from thinking of my lost lover to keep my heart from longing for him once again. I keep myself from thinking of my once best friend to keep from crying and to keep from thinking of what I could have said or done before it was too late.

I keep from thinking about our wedding days, having children, graduations, birthdays, and all other special occasions because no days seem like they will be harder to live then those days, the days which are all suppose to be the happiest days of ours lives. How does one get through a day like that? I wonder. I have came to the conclusion that I can not go on living this way. It can not be healthy. It is keeping me from living, keeping me from the life I once had and all the memories that came with it. The trails are hard but I would rather shed the tears and feel the pain then lose the memories and the joy that comes with them.

You see, I have built a robot within me to save myself, but in the end I am being self-destructive.

My Testimony: A Letter From God

This is my testimony on the work God has done in myself. Jan 20th 2010 is the day everything changed for me. I think to get the full effect of this story you need to know what I have been through these last 7 months of my life. First of all I come from a fairly large family. I have two brothers and two sisters. We all shared the same mother and father, whom had been married for 22 years and did an amazing job raising us. My mother was an amazing woman of God and my father followed her lead. They raised us 5 kids as Christians and we all loved and tried to follow the Lord. When I became a teenager I fell in and out of church but still always believing in God.

On July 4th 2009 our mother was taken home to heaven after battling cancer for a short time. She was only 40 years of age and had just received her 1st grand baby just over 2 months before this. She was finally a grandmother and still had her 5 kids that needed her, especially for all the important days in their lives. That day on July 4th was also my 21st birthday and what I had thought was going to be the hardest day of my life. Everything changed from that point on and although I still loved God I was a bit angry with him and I only stepped foot in a church but a few times after that day.

July 4th, 2009- Jan 17th, 2010- The wreckage

Things only got worse from that day forward. The only people I had left in my life at that point were my Dad, my 2 brothers and 2 sisters, my boyfriend of 5 years, my niece and brother in law and some extended family and friends. Soon after the funeral my father started seeing another woman. This leaving 5 kids getting their hearts broken all over again and now leaving us scattered. The two youngest were stuck at home with my father. The oldest was living in the same town with her husband and their first daughter. My other brother and myself were now living 30 miles away in a different town with our aunt and uncle. Our hearts were broken more everyday as we missed our mother more and were now stuck in a conflict with our father, trying to tell him that his decision to start seeing another woman so quickly was not the best for our family. But...He didn't listen.

So the only people I have left now are my brothers and sisters, my boyfriend, my niece and brother in law, and a few family members and friends. One of my very best friends moved away soon after. My boyfriend of 5 years shut me out of his life with no explanation as to why, not even a good bye. Oct 7th, 2009 was the last time I had a conversation with him. He told me he loved me and he would call me tomorrow. I never heard from him again. One month later, on Nov. 7th, 2009 my father was remarried. This only being 4 months and 3 days after my mother passed away. This decision of his was the wrong one, one that the devil was waiting for. After that day my oldest sister, my brother and I were not allowed at my fathers house, nor were we allowed to talk to or visit our younger brother and sister.

Now the only people left are my older sister, her husband and my niece which live in another town, my brother that I now only see from time to time and some family members and friends. Throughout these 7 months I found myself becoming more and more depressed as each month passed and as each person abandoned me. I felt lonely, scared, sad, rage, hate, pretty much every emotion I did not want to be feeling. I prayed to God throughout all of this. I was sincere with my prayers but I would also get mad at him and ask him what I did to deserve this. He would give me a feeling of comfort for that night, but the next day I faced the same struggles all over again. I knew I loved Him and Jesus both. I knew They were the only way to escape the pain and suffering I was in, but I didn't know how to get that help from Them.

So night and night again, I would shed every tear that was built in me that day and wonder why me, wonder when things will get better, or if they ever will. Scared to wake up each morning in fear of what would become of that day. Scared to get close to anyone else in fear that I would lose them. Scared to let anyone in, fearing that they wouldn't understand. I cannot sum up the amount of pain, heartache and loneliness that comes from loosing my mother, father, brother, sister, and lover all in but a few months time. My heart, mind and body were aching so badly. I was drained to the core, to what I thought was past the point of restoration. I was searching for something to fill the emptiness within me. I was still praying everyday, every meal, and every night, but for some reason I was still blind to the light God was trying to shine on me.

Jan 18th and 19th, 2010- His beautiful work

The last few days I have been seeing the most beautiful landscapes I have ever seen in my life and in each of those moments, my breath was taken away and I felt His love. I felt inspired for the 1st time since my mom has been gone. I felt a sense of peace and I felt worthy. I felt hopeful and I smiled and laughed. The first one I saw was on Jan. 18, 2010 only two days before this miraculous thing happened to me. I was on my way home from work and as I stared at the beautiful colors of the desert sky blending before the mountains and the clouds twisted around them I began to pray. "Thank you Lord for letting me be one of the few people whose eyes are fixated on this beautiful work of art you put before me. I know you are trying to reach me. I love you and I promise to try my hardest to follow you everyday from this day forward. I know I say that all the time and I do always love you and trust you, but I'm ready to dedicate all of me to you. So please help me. I need you God."

The second one was on the following day. Jan. 19,2010. It had been raining all day and even snowing in the mountains. Again, I was on my way home from work and I made a turn down a very straight road. The whole sky was grey around, except at the end of that road there was a beautiful big mountain covered in snow and light was piercing through the clouds only on this one mountain. The mountains surrounding this one were filled with color. Green, red, orange, yellow it was like a beautiful painting. I knew God was trying to keep me focused on him especially since the next thing I saw was huge perfect, bright rainbow. I first noticed one end on the ground and as my eyes followed it up and back down I was astonished by how bright and perfect it was. I again found myself thinking about how amazing God is and how this rainbow wasn't just an assortment of colors caused by light it was much more than that. It was a promise from God, a promise from our Creator and I felt his love once again.

Jan. 20, 2010. The big day

This day was my usual day off, so I had planned to drive the 30 miles to the town where my sister lived and go to the dmv there and stop by for a visit with them and my niece. My cousin was with me, we are the same in age, live together and she longs to get close to the Lord the same way I do. When we were getting ready to leave, it started raining pretty hard. For a second we contemplated if we should go since some roads were even still flooded from the night before. We decided to not let the rain stop us and we pressed forward and headed for the freeway. When we arrived at the dmv the line was outrageous. It wasn't super important that I go that day so I decided to just come back another day and headed toward my sisters house. We arrived at my sisters house expecting to have a normal visit. Chit chat a bit, play with my niece and then head home.

My sister and her husband are both brilliant followers of the Lord. They are wise in the word and have a very close relationship with Him. We engaged in a conversation, one that I had never had with any other Christian. These words of wisdom that they both were speaking to my cousin and I wowed us. We started asking questions and were suddenly so interested in wanting to grow in our relationships with the Lord. I had always wanted to grow in my relationship with him but in this time I actually felt it happening. Our conversation continued and I started to feel a raging love burning inside my chest. It was at that moment that I realized this is the moment that I stopped Loving the Lord and I fell IN LOVE with the Lord. I had felt small portions of that love before, but never so strong. I couldn't stop smiling and giggling. I felt child-like and innocent. I felt pure and Holy. We spent the rest of the time at their house talking about Him and this wonderful feeling that had overcome us.

I couldn't stop praying and thanking Him for revealing Himself to me and bringing me so close. For filling my heart with a burning love for Him instead of a deep painful loneliness that had owned my heart for so long. I felt alive for the first time in 7 months and I felt more alive on that day then I have ever felt in all my life. I knew I had finally received what I for so long asked for. For the first time I knew and understood God and His Love for me on a different level than I ever have and the coolest part is I understood God felt the same way I did. He was feeling just the same way about me as I was Him, except even cooler, He felt that way about me the whole time. Where as with me before this day, I only loved Him half the time. When I was in worship or when I was praying or at church. I wasn't IN LOVE with him before. Where now I feel His love pouring out of my heart throughout the whole day. I have so much love for him I don't even know how to express it all. I DID really love him before, no one can tell me other wise. I loved him and would never deny him. I believed Jesus died on the cross and rose again. I believed it all but something was still missing. I still lived in doubt, wondering whether or not my name was in the Book of Life and I didn't understand why I was filling this way if I confessed with my mouth and believed in my heart.

I really want you guys to understand the difference in Loving God and falling IN Love with God. For example, the way you feel about a friend or even an animal, compared to the way you feel about your spouse or child, or your mother or father. They are both two different kinds of Love. When you think about your friend or your dog, you think of course I love them but when you think about your spouse or child or mother or father, you feel something inside you right? When you have a girlfriend or boyfriend and become serious, the way you feel about them is different than that of a friend right? That love for that person becomes stronger than anything you've ever felt right? Now imagine what it would feel like to fall IN LOVE with your Creator. The God that has built you perfect in every way. The God that knows every single thing about you. The One who has never left your side. Who loves you unconditionally. And we all think that its so hard to reach Him, I felt like I was chasing after Him for so long, and I just couldn't get to the place I wanted to be, but the thing you don't know is that He is the one that has been chasing after YOU the WHOLE time. He made you His and He wants you. He LOVES YOU. Just open your eyes and your heart and receive Him. The Love you will feel for Him and the love you will receive from Him is so much stronger than any other kind of love. It is the most amazing feeling you can ever experience and you don't want it to ever go away. And the most awesome thing is your in control of that. Because he is going to love you unconditionally, no matter what happens. He isn't going to leave you because he "fell out of love" like a human does. Its all up to you if you want to keep that relationship going, and who wouldn't?

So after realizing all of this and feeling this way and falling so much In Love with Him my cousin and I wanted to take my sister and her husband to dinner to thank them for helping God reveal Himself to us. We joined over our meal and prayed and thanked Him again for the glorious day it had been. My sister and husband had to go teach their youth group and we had to make it home before the roads got too flooded where we lived so we said good bye and headed home. The drive home was peaceful, even though it was pitch black with rain pouring down and even some snow as we got closer to our exit off the freeway. We listened to Phil Wickham and embraced Gods Love the whole way home. For some reason we were not worried about the storm or anything for that matter. So instead of going straight home, we decided to stop at Target for a few things first.....

When we arrived at Target we both grabbed our purses, I locked the car and we headed straight for the door trying to avoid getting too wet. We took our time inside, looking at books, dresses, clothes for my niece and even kitchen supplies. We walked and talked about our amazing day and how it couldn't get any better than that. How we've been waiting for that day for so long and felt amazing inside. We both bought a few things and headed out to the car. I unlocked the car and we both got in. I set my purse in the center and my target bag on the floor behind me. I had my keys in my hand and headed for the ignition when I saw it. There was an envelope sitting in front of me. I went into shock. I felt scared at first asking my cousin, how did someone get into my car? I locked it, I know that for a fact. She told me to calm down and open the envelope to see what it was. I was shaking, tearing open the very top of the envelope. I pulled out two pieced of folded white paper with a pretty printed cursive on them. The greeting read, "My Precious Daughter". My heart dropped as I began to think this letter was from my father.

I turned to the second page and the closing read "Your Father." I started to cry, thinking what? Has my dad finally realized his mistake and now he's trying to fix it? My mind was going a million miles per minute as I thought about so much in that time. I was crying and shaking and asking my cousin a million questions. I began to read the letter and my heart dropped. I shouted out with tears streaming down my face, this is from God. I was now shaking more than ever and crying and laughing at the same time. I had to pause quite a few times to try to grasp reality. But this was reality, why was it so hard for me to believe God wrote me a letter, He is our Almighty God, He can do all things, but I've never heard of someone getting a letter, and why me? Well I'm guessing because He knew how much I needed it. He promises to never leave our side and He wanted to reassure me that those last 7 months He was there and He will always be there.

And the letter read..

My precious daughter,

I am deeply saddened by your suffering. I know that you loved your mother so dearly. I know this because as it is written in 1 John 4:19-20, "you love me because I first loved you." As I still do love you and your mother alike. I have given you all of the answers that you need, to overcome this world my love. In Proverbs 3:5-6, I ask that you trust in me with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Your mother has done a fine job bringing you up. She did so because she trusted my words. Your mother trusts in me still, as she now stands in the joy and the light of me. It is written my dear in Isaiah 40:29 "I give power to the weak, and to those who have no might, I increase their strength." I will never fail you. Even when your earthly relatives fail to protect you and comfort you, I will always be here.

I need you to be a pillar of strength for your siblings because there will come a time when they will need your guidance and your strength. Now that you know where to come to receive that strength, you should not have a problem doing that. Daughter, you must have hope to make it through this. As Proverbs 13:12 says, "hope deferred makes the heart sick." You have lost your hope, but it is your perspective of hope that is inaccurate. As Paul said in Romans 8:24-25, "you all were saved in hope, but hope that is seen is not hope, for why would one hope for what he has already seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."

I know that is is painful my dear, but as it says in 2 Timothy 2:12-13, "if you endure all of the attacks, you will also reign with my son, if you are faithless, my son and I remain faithful to you." You may feel lonely sweetheart but you most definitely are not, for my son is with you always until the end of age, as he has promised in Matthew 28:20. Likewise I will be with you always. Remember Romans 8:17 if indeed you suffer here as did my son, your king, and your mother, you will be heirs to the kingdom, and glorified together. Believe me when I tell you that your time of pain and agony on this earth is but a fraction of the time that you will enjoy for eternity with your mother and I.

I know everything that you have been through, even the half of it as you put it. It is time you take Paul's advice in Philippians 3: 13-14, "forget those things which are behind you, and reach forward to those things which are ahead. Press toward the goal because my prize is yet to come." You are right my love in that you do not deserve this, but because you have expressed your love for my son, and the tremendous pain that he endured, so that you all would be saved, the evil one has waged war against you. Trust me daughter, because of your love and loyalty to my son and I, we will protect you, and preserve your spot in the kingdom. Love me sweetheart, trust me, cast your fears upon me, give me your weaknesses so that I can turn them to strengths, seek me for guidance and for the answers to all of your questions. I will give them to you. I love you.

Your Father

WOW.

How crazy is it that God knows me on such a personal level to mention my mother and my siblings and even quote something i always say. I wrote a letter to my mother and asked for her help and for her to guide me because I was lost. I told her things were bad and no one even knew the half of it. When people ask how things are going in my life, I would explain a bit and say thats not even the half of it. So for God to remember every little thing about me and mention it in the letter, just to let me know how much he pays attention to me is so awesome. He says, " I know everything you have been through, even the half of it as you put it." That is Incredible. I also explained before that I would cry to God and ask what did I do to deserve this? I don't deserve this, do I? And again he says, "you are right my love, in that you do not deserve this." And He calls me his love, his dear, sweetheart, and his daughter. How amazing and awesome is that? I have never felt more loved in all my life than I did reading that letter.


Just a few hours after I am pouring out my Love, telling him how much I am In Love with Him and need him in my life and my heart, He writes me a personal letter. Just to show how much he cares and that when he promises to never leave our side, he means it. Even through the hardest of times, he is there and wants to help you. So, If you read this and it doesn't set you on fire for God, than I am sorry and I hope something someday can touch your heart. But as for me, I am In Love and happier than I have ever been.


The whole way home after reading the letter I was crying just as many tears as I have shed every other day of these last 7 months but for the 1st time, it was different. These were tears of joy and love and following every tear was a laugh and a smile and I felt amazing. I felt Alive and Loved! I was so excited to be feeling this way and still so amazed that I got a letter from God I went home and shared with everyone that was home. I then drove the 30 miles back to my sisters house to share with them. Everyone was so amazed and touched I decided I wanted to share this with as many people as possible in hoping it can make a difference in their walk with the Lord. So thank you for taking the time to read this. I love you all. God Bless.